Have you ever been in a condition where no one really understands you?
I recalled back then when I was in depression & insomnia (for almost 20 years) I felt misunderstood (it might be due to my sensitivity at that time), "Just sleep, why don't you sleep?", "Ahh...you must be so tired. Don't you know that sleeping is important for your health & life? You do yourself harm if you don't rest." As the people around me genuinely were puzzled I felt stupid (how couldn't I do such a simple thing) & puzzled too, plus agitated by their genuine concerns. Even it's also painful to be around friends/families who could sleep easily.
Somehow I forced myself to act & look normal so I wouldn't be the weird outcast in my social circle though mentally & physically exhausted - this was to minimise sharing my problem to them, it was somehow my defence mechanism as a reaction of my suffering. But yet when they didn't acknowledge my problem (because I knew how to cover up) I felt not happy too...confusing.
Nevertheless I tried all their suggestions (as far as I remembered) hoping to break the persistently haunting problem in my life : exercise to make me feel tired so I could sleep, I exercised & yes, I was tired, but still no sleep; I took an allergic tablets that usually made me drowsy, and true enough that I was drowsy, but yet no sleep; some suggested me to self-reflect which I did too, the more I did this the more I couldn't sleep; counting sheep? I did, and I lost count or my thought wondered to other things; I ran away from a noisy home to Singapore also didn't change my condition - when I managed to catch some sleeps I dreamed something exhausting mentally that made me even more restless & woke up with the stiff body (and the more I was afraid to sleep, yet I wanted to& needed to sleep - confusing).
I think back now, perhaps when they acknowledge my situation I got a moral support in my challenging situation, but not necessarily gave me the breakthrough - at least it gave me a peaceful space for me to "fight" that depression & insomnia & I didn't feel guilty (but yet insomnia & depression were still part of my identity).
------------------------
I thank God that now I'm delivered from those state, and it's not because of "how" I came out of it, but because the Lord taught me to change the focus from "self-centred" to "Christ-centred".
I began to see there was a person who went into depression & suffering physically & emotionally, and His name was Jesus - and the truth is He suffered on my behalf, He faced tremendous fear because of me.
Luke 22:44 "And being in agony, He prayed more earnestly. Then His sweat became like great drops of blood falling down to the ground." - this was in the garden of Gethsemane before He was captured.
Isaiah 53:4 (YLT) "Surely our sicknesses he hath borne, And our pains -- he hath carried them, And we -- we have esteemed him plagued, Smitten of God, and afflicted."
And when I acknowledge & appreciate deeper and deeper His intention, His emotion, His suffering, His passion, His love for me, there's always supernatural deliverance from the condition I'm facing.
I began to see that SURELY my sicknesses & my pain He has borne, or else there was no reason He suffered that way as He was innocence. Sicknesses & pain (emotional & physical) are just part of death that came in as Adam & Eve decided to be independent from the life of God - Genesis 2:17 "but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.”
If what the Bible says is true then what I experienced wasn't supposed to be mine (mine was already settled on His body), then it's from the devil's symptomps as he's trying to deceive me.
In fact Isaiah 53:5 says
"But He was wounded or our transgressions,
He was bruised for our iniquities;
The chastisement for our peace was upon Him,
And by His stripes we are healed."
So I start seeing as if He waved at me hoping to get my attention of His suffering love, that's why the Holy Spirit through Isaiah wrote the word "SURELY" there. Hey, He wants me to show me His love in action,
Learn to acknowledge His love language - Romans 5:8 "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
I was (or maybe still "am" in one way or another), but how about Him? We esteemed him plagued, smitten of God & afflicted (Isaiah 53:4). John 1:11 "He came to His own, and His own did not receive Him. " He was rejected by many, betrayed even by His close circle.
As much as my emotion or carnal mind naturally demand some acknowledgement that "I suffer...pity me", it's more important to acknowledge His pain on my behalf. When I develop relationship with Him as my lover & friend, the more I could acknowledge His feeling for me & the more my faith rest in the truth.
In the contrary, the more I have faith that "I suffer..and a lot" as this is what I feel, perceive & experience, the more I take this as my identity & I unconsciously reject the truth that He's borne my sicknesses & pain. I just gain pity from my society that gives me permission to suffer that challenge.
I'm not saying this as someone never felt any suffering nor in anyway being not sympathetic should you in any challenge of life, and beside insomnia-depression there were other physical symptoms I experienced too, nevertheless I'm learning to develop love relationship with the Lord to appreciate Him more & more, and those symptoms were gone supernaturally.
The problem is whenever we are in big challenge/suffering, they way we see God & hope on Him becomes so carnal, wee see things & we see Him from the lens of our suffering rather than the lens of His suffering & His finished work. This naturally makes us in "doing" mode as a reaction to our suffering, we want to do something naturally or even spiritually - while on the other hand He wants us to TRUST His finished work & rest in it. We stop trying to be healed or delivered, but we start believing that we have been healed & delivered as we see Him as our new identity.
Yes there's things we need to do, but it's about the "good fight of faith" inside.
Hebrews 4:11 "Let us labour therefore to enter into that rest, lest any man fall after the same example of unbelief."
I'm not saying that don't seek professional help, the Lord allows you to do that as our relationship & faith in Him are work in progress, but keep developing "faith in His word" to see Christ as your true identity. You are not what you think or feel, you are who He says you are.
I learn to stop fighting to be understood (as in my peace doesn't come from there) though off course it's good to be understood when/if it is & learn to appreciate Him as this satisfies Him (He feels acknowledged) and at the end myself - actually He is truly happier when we let Him manifest what He's paid by His passion for us. We appreciate Him not because He's a maniac to be praised, it's just because He knows that when we do that we come into agreement with Him & with our free will we give Him permission to do His saving for us - even His title is Saviour, He takes delight in saving us.
Then I began to understand that the real problem is not that "No one understand me", nor "depression/insomnia" or any other symptoms; but the real problem is "I haven't understood the depth of His love for me" - it takes a lifelong journey to discover that, but it's been a good journey, I'm happy & He's happier.
Anyway, the Lord understands you (you may read Psalm 139), we are the one who don't deem that His understanding has made Him provided for us. My salvation is not found in and off myself, but in Jesus Christ - at the first place why depression & insomnia developed because I believe my life was about me, my ability VS randomly/fated-ly unfortunate life condition, my fight, my survival mode, doing my best, etc rather than receiving His best for me, my life is about Him (not me), I'm here as His project & His responsibility (the worst condition in my life is not greater than His provident & solution).
Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in (of) the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me."
If you struggle with insomnia/depression, financial, relational or any kind life challenge, I empathise with you, I really feel how bad & depressing the feeling is as I was there too. But rest assuredly that God loves you, you are precious to Him. The force of the world creates a lot experience to put a narration of your life not according to what the Lord says in His word so you won't easily believe on Him, but learn to trust His word.
Ephesians 2:10 "For we are His workmanship (not of our own making), created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them"
We are called not to just receive the situation, we are called to received what He's done on the cross for us even in the middle of the situation.
You might say that it's easy for me to say, I agree it was't easy for me either, it took me quite a long time to believe & lean on this truth even after I know it. The point is not about "easy or not easy", but certainly under the deception of what the world throws to us is just worst. Jesus has fought to give you a new identity in Him, now our fight is to rest & believe who we are in Him.
There was a divine exchange in cross that benefit us that we can learn to appreciate (even though we might not fully understand yet - it's a process) :
2 Corinthians 5:21
"For he has made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him."
Galatians 3:13
"Christ has redeemed us from the curse of the law, having become a curse for us (for it is written, 'Cursed is everyone who hangs on a tree')."
2 Corinthians 8:9
"For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though He was rich, yet for your sakes He became poor, that you through His poverty might become rich."
Learn to wake up thinking the truth that our heavenly Father has already had solutions for our today's demand & challenges with a grateful & confident heart (you may meditate on Psalm 23 & 139); instead of waking up thinking about how we need to optimise ourself & be in control to solve the demand of our life as if our life is our own (entertaining fear & worry), Matthew 6:25-34 - I'm also in the learning process, but it's good to make it as a lifestyle.
As what I concluded from my experience by cracking my head so much to find the effective solutions, you might have found similar situation of despair & disappointment when you fail to find the solution. Stop striving & putting energy so much in finding solution, but put your energy to find out who you are in Christ once you've received Him as your Lord & personal Saviour - your solution is a person, it is Him. It's not your job to find solution, it's His job to be your solution. By shifting your faith from your ability to His, you are giving Him permission to be Who He is in your life. It's gonna be good! Or else better...and better...and better.
For example you are facing difficulty to sleep, and one day you could sleep, thank the Lord for that but remember that you put your faith in His finished work rather than your sleep. And in case another day you couldn't sleep, keep your peace & joy, don't let it ruin your whole day knowing that the Lord your Saviour is always in the throne as He said "it is finished" on the cross (John 19:30). But in case you lost your peace as you were feeling disappointed, fearful, anger, you may feel those emotions & cry while you still can choose to believe that the Lord is still with you.
At any state you are practicing your trust in Him, He's always with you & never forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
Know that just because thing doesn't look like what you think it should be, it doesn't mean that God doesn't move - and sometimes process might look ugly, but trust that He knows what He's doing. He always moves for your good whether you are aware or not (Romans 8:28)
Remember that your main goal is not necessarily to remove the problem, but to grow your trust in Him, later on the problem will be gone while you focus on His grace as you see by faith that He's actually bigger than your problem (problem solved is the fruit, not the root).
This writing is not about "horisontal" help as in man to man, but about "vertical" help as in divine solution for you, especially when we are facing "dead end" - it might not for everybody. I take risk be misunderstood (again) in writing this as I believe many would be delivered from "self" & become "Christ-centred" and letting what He's done manifest tangibly in his/her life.
We need to cultivate our Christ-consciousness and it takes consistent practice of awareness of God's word - take time to pause, have time to recall back what the Lord has done for us, talk with Him. He wants to be our best friend, take time to appreciate His feeling, thought, intention for us. Learn to see the beauty of His loving heart for us, His characters, His will, His faithfulness, His point of view, His sacrifice, His power, etc - with this we learn to have His perspective & enjoy sweet relationship with Him
Unconsciously we've been growing in some measure of worldly wisdom from our parents & from the way we perceive life through our own natural lens, and those build up a belief system in our mind as strongholds. Now we are supposed to pull down those strongholds as part as the renewal mind towards God's word - it's a learning journey with ups & down, but the Lord's presence & grace is with you
2 Corinthians 10
3 For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. 4 For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, 5 casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ
Romans 12:2
And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
Yes, it feels good to be understood by others, nevertheless we can't control how they respond to us. We're grateful if they understand us, if not perhaps we can try to explain, but if really cannot don't let being "misunderstood by people" (they are also the same as you, imperfect) stop us from receiving God's love & what Christ has done for us on the cross. Decide to build the relationship with Him for your own good with His based on His principles, not based on our emotion.
My sharing doesn't mean that we don't acknowledge our/other person's problem, thoughts and feeling nor being inconsiderate to other people's experience, but it's to share the good news that your Creator has redeemed you out of His love.
I pray for this divine revelation to grow in your heart & you find a healthy Christ-centred fellowship that strengthen you & your walk with Christ.
Blessings in Jesus' name,
Daniel Purnomo
#selfconsciousVSchristconscious #selfeffortVSgrace #mydoingVSfinishedworkofchrist
Comments
Post a Comment